Negro que me de la mano,

Tiene que ser negro fino.

Blanco que me de la mano,

Tiene que ser ngangulero como yo.

Agua va caer,

Arriba los Kongo que están coronando alla Arriba.

— coro sequence in Palo

We’d murked an officer in the United States Marine Corps and slid out of the whole osobbo unscathed and rich. Soon after the deed our deployment was over and we rotated back to the world. Our military contracts all expired within the following year. We got out with honorable discharges and a bunch of medals and letters of recommendation from a bunch of top honchos. Besides the seven figure bankroll from Tata Sr’s score, we also had fat savings accounts from all the deployments and all the combat pay.

Cuz of all this iré our confirmation bias was thru the fucking rooftop. We were and are completely convinced that our cult, work ethic, and balls are everything. Lookie here, mane: whether our bias is indeed just bias and superstition, or real-as-fuck Kismet. . . doesn’t matter in the slightest, cuz either way we’re fucking billionaires. What has your secularity and reason gotten you? If your answer is Truth, then who do you think has gotten dosed with Truth more, you or us?

When our contracts were done and we got let loose in the world, we all met at Tata Sr.’s beautiful home in Miami. We took a backgammon vacation in which we played and studied all day for three months while traveling to different bg hubs. Bryant Park in NY, Tel Aviv, Monte Carlo, Japan, Copenhagen, London, Cyprus. Copenhagen, Denmark was our favorite place for backgammon. The scandi girls loved us (especially Pancho and Jones) and we used all the strats and tactics we learned in the book The Game. We smashed our hearts out!

Also, a lot of the shady elite from Russia play bg in Copenhangen, and we made a ton of contacts. Kadric is half Russian half Croatian and he speaks russki flawless. All the oligarchs and mafiosi loved him because he could play BG and had killed many muslims. (A lot of these Russians are really Islamophobic because of Chechnya and Afghanistan and all that junk.) Btw, after playing backgammon all over Eastern Europe for years now, our data sample strongly suggests that in that region the words oligarch and mafioso are synonyms.

(There’s a very interesting practice in many slavic countries: Most business deals are done butt-ass naked in bathhouses. This ensures the players aren’t wired or armed. But more importantly it’s so men can size each other up and see who’s comfortable in their own skin and who’s insecure in a high-stakes situation. We five tata hyper-exploited this custom because our confidence is so insular and religious that we never care where we are or who we’re dealing with. [Debajo del Laurel yo tengo my confianza.] Furthermore, saunas are like a drug. They make a man marea’o [dizzy] and that’s when it’s easiest to run game on somebody.)

Only Jones came out ahead money-wise in the gambling holiday, but the rest of us didn’t mind. We only lost a little, which meant we were already near breakeven in skill versus tough opponents. Plus we’d learned a ton. And anyway, we never care about short term losses in anything. In everything we do we look at the long run. We swear by Expected Value and long data samples. Most of life is a long middlegame anyway, and the only real endgame is the Revelation.

Allow me to nerd out right quick: any system can be gamed and exploited, whether it’s business, religion, a market, the military, a woman, or one’s own psyche. Only systems that have efficiently reached the holy balance that is Game Theory Optimal cannot be exploited. Just off the dome I can only think of a couple: cryptocurrency and a handful and No Limit Hold ’Em solvers. (Just so we’re clear, the crypto markets are gamed and exploited all the time, but in that case we’re talking about markets, not the blockchain. The crypto blockchains [especially Bitcoin’s and Monero’s] are pristine Game Theory.)

After our backgammon holiday we all joined private militaries. The work was mostly easy. We were basically overpaid security guards, escorting contractors, body-guarding honchos, guarding oil fields, guarding hotel lobbies in dangerous places where honchos were staying, eating ice cream. We rubbed elbows with very rich and powerful people all the time. Many of these became our godchildren in the religions, and then later when we started Malongo Inc. proper they became our loyal clients. We offered them both physical and spiritual protection. Soon into the security business we vibed that many of the world’s elites are spiritually/morally bankrupt while filthy rich. Because of this imbalance they have a ton of anxiety, and this makes them easy to run game on and seduce (it also makes them gamble a lot). Eventually a bunch of oligarchs put up massive bankrolls to back us in Malongo Inc. At first our own stake in the company was small, but we would charge our partners shares in the company rather than cash or favors for our religious work. Since they were our ahijados it was almost impossible to say no. When someone guides you in a blood ritual, you’re in their thrall, mas o menos. Today we own 80% of the towering Moloch that is Malongo Incorporated. And we shall break our backs lifting Moloch to Heaven, like Ginsberg said. Moloch will tear at the firmament, and draw Isa from the heavens!

(If you don’t believe a blood ritual can put a deep knot in a devotee’s psyche, then I would simply invite you to go ahead and perform one. In any tradition, it don’t really matter.)

When McKenzie finished her second enlistment we hired her immediately. She’s sharp as an nbele and a real firecracker. She runs all our admin and logistics and she’s our face in the media, especially social media. (Social media, btw, is manna from so much heaven to people like us, the insular and studious. A pristine treasure trove of infinite data samples.)

Fat Bob moved to the States a few years after our deployment and we hired him immediately. His backgammon skills had leaped and bounded since our time on the rooftops. We staked him and sent him to play shesh besh for huge money with the ultra-wealthy elite in the Middle East, the Levant, and the Mediterranean. He made a ton of plugs and a ton of luka. There’s this weird thing that happens in gambling: when a mark’s opponent is a grandmaster, the mark actually wants to lose money to him. This is especially so when the GM is someone like Tata Mahmoud, who is super nice and looks like a giant teddy bear and smiles and jokes even when he’s losing. He’s an invaluable asset in Malongo Inc.

Un ultimo detallito, compa: A while back Jones sent me a link to an article about a 13 yr old boy who bred pigeons in ISIS-occupied Fallujah. These sharia koontz didn’t allow it (or anything fun for that matter), so they sent some goons to euthanize his whole coop (about seventy birds). The goons also whipped his dad and mom right in front of him. On some real-man shit, this little jit snatched an AK from one of the alibaba and murked all three of them! The neighbors harbored him and his folks. Kid, if you somehow made it out of the city and are now reading this, know that you’re certified hard. Look us up. We’ll make you an American and teach you a million things.